Audio | Typed

[malnosso]

Hello once again. Here I am stopping in for an update. I bet if you're new here, you're thinking to yourself right now, "What is MARS? Who is this strange man speaking on the journals? How can I help him?" All fine questions. I'll take them one at a time. First of all, MARS is the Malnosso Assignment and Reward Service. We assign, you serve, we give a reward. Simple enough that a child could do it. In fact, sometimes they do. As for me, I'm no strange man. No sir, you can call me CJ. I'm the Resident Perceptions Manager of this project. Think of me as the man who's here to tell you that there isn't evil boogiemen out to get you. Just businessmen. And scientists. And we're not out to get you. Just experiment with you a bit and see what makes you tick. Completely on the up and up.

Point of fact, Luceti passed the ethical inspection this year. Another year with high marks. Sure, some of the residents brought the score down. But don't worry, we won't hold it against you. At least I won't. In fact, I'm damn proud to know you folks. Let me just step out of my announcement a moment here to personally congratulate those who were sent to handle the Depot 8 situation. That was some damn fine work you did out there. Those FTSA nutjobs got what was coming to them. Hell, a month ago, a bunch of those hippies beat my car in with baseball bats. Well, no need to worry about that. Now that we captured some of their ringleaders, it'll be an easy task putting them to rest. Again, excellent job. You all earned your rewards. Hell, I'd give you double, but it's not in the budget.

But I'll tell you what is. Every single one of you have a chance to earn forty points without stepping foot out of your enclosure. See, there's some concerns out there that some of you are a little prone to violence. Your interactions with other enclosures has some of the ethics committee concerned that those drafts are turning you all into a walking bunch of murderous monsters. My opinion? Anyone that wants to go murder a cultist is someone I'd like to buy a beer. But I digress. So here's the deal. An experiment's starting in just a few hours to change things up a bit. But you can relax, because this time around, we're not interested in warping your brains. No, we're saving that for another cycle. What we are planning is turning this village into a random hodgepodge of tacky locations for you to check out.

Now let's talk business. In these five areas, I want you to collect two particular items from each one. Hell, I'll go ahead and give them catchy names for you. In the Nile, I want a ceremonial dagger and some of the Pharaoh's treasure. In the Shogunate, I'd like to see a samurai sword and some of that water you find in a kappa's head. Over in the Ice Age, let's take a moment to pity the poor sods waking up there, I'm expecting a bone spear and a smilodon's tooth. In the Space Opera zone, get me a raygun and a part off a robot. Finally, over in Gangland, see if you can't find one of those fancy Tommy Guns and some car keys to a Studebaker. Now here's the catch, adventurers. Violence is not the answer. It's one answer, but this experiment's been programmed to make that one the most difficult of all. We want to see you put your clever minds towards collecting these items without any unnecessary destruction or killing. Make your region proud, Lucetians. The Kin'corans already passed with flying colors.

So what's your incentive here? Forty points in the MARS program. That's enough for the big rewards, kids. And if you like those, you can sign up for the real missions later on. Be a hero. Be a scientist. Be useful. That's all for now. Best of luck and try to avoid aggravating the mastodons.

((Note: CJ replies will have to come tomorrow, but there WILL be replies!))

Comments

[deathsdoctor]

[About that...]

I didn't realize Luceti underwent an annual ethical inspection. [Makes sense though.] Are there any other evaluations we'll be undergoing that you're willing to share with us?

[malnosso]

Health inspection.

audio:

[shenevermisses]

Sir.

Excuse me.

These items you want us to collect -- do you have pictures? Or is there something we could look up in the library? A dagger, a sword, a spear, and guns I understand. But some of the other things I've never heard of.

[Okay, so she's not totally sure that the part of about "murderous monsters" isn't sort of directed at her. And she isn't sure how well she'll do with the "no violence" approaching.

But she can try.

Not so much for the points, but because she wants to prove herself.]

[malnosso]

What do I look like, your travel agent? Show some damn initiative, kid. If you need a history lesson, go look it up on your own time.

[voice]

[thedicearecast]

The Malnosso give us an ethics inspection. That's just priceless.

[Seriously. With the crap they pull, Amelia can't even think it's funny.]

[malnosso]

Pricey, actually. Exorbitant, if you ask me.

[gonnawreckit]

Collecting items? Earning points? Finally something I can understand. Are there any medals?

[malnosso]

Medal? Sure. Spend your reward on that and we'll get you a big shiny one.

[Voice]

[savedtheworld]

An ethics... inspection? I didn't even know we had that. But I guess I'd approve of an experiment that doesn't encourage violence over any others.

But why do you say there's guns and swords in these places if we're supposed to not be violent? And I've never heard of those places. Can you guys use one of the Air Temples or Ba Sing Se. ooh or what about one of the Poles?

[malnosso]

I'm not here to take suggestions, kid. You get what you get.

As for the weapons? Well that's the challenge. You lot would just try and steal the weapons and make off with them. But if you've got half a brain, you won't need to.

[reminded]

[He notices that CJ is calling for one weapon from each sector. Tricky.]

What do you mean when you say that the experiment has been "programmed" to make violence difficult? Will there be penalties involved should we find physical confrontation unavoidable?

[malnosso]

You have to keep your loot for the entire five days. Good luck with that if you piss off all of the residents.

[goldenglasses]

So... now you want us to go on a scavenger hunt?

This space opera area. I'm assuming there's still going to be air in that area? Kinda hard to sing without it for most people.

[He's just SO excited about this, can't you tell?]

And couldn't we just say, skip the whole experiment thing seeing as we did such a good job and past our test with such high marks?

[malnosso]

Don't worry about the air, broomhead. None of it's real, remember?

And no.

[written]

[savarin]

[Well. That's definitely an interesting little speech. Red's wondering what went on before he entered the enclosure, but there's something more pressing on his mind right now.]

How big are the big rewards? I'm still missing something of mine.

[written]

[malnosso]

What, you want a laundry list of things you can have? This is a multidimensional affair, pal. Now if you want to name something, we can talk points.

[Voice]

[most_unwanted]

This sounds much more exciting than the scavenger hunt at the annual FBI picnic. [...Which he always conveniently manages to skip anyway. He even started running out of medical excuses.] Is there any sort of catch you haven't mentioned? Such as, say... any adverse effects or physical changes within each region to look out for? If I'm going to be reliving the plot of The Mummy from the title character's role, I'd like a little advance warning.

I'm also curious to know how this so-called "ethical inspection" was conducted.

[malnosso]

Ha! What's the point if I give you a warning? This is a test of your wits and brains. Going in with a how-to guide defeats the point.

Carefully.

[endgames]

[...ha. Just giving out points like that?]

Are we being graded on this too?

[malnosso]

You're damn right you are.

[eightlazylegs]

What is significance of points? What trade for?

[Is this like Chuck E. Cheese? He's seen tv shows about those.]

[malnosso]

Points. Like money. You spend them on stuff. I put a big thing in the back of your book, squidface. Try that for starters.

[Voice]

[inmateincharge]

We're being graded on our ethics? That's hilarious! [He's probably brought it down a few points just by being there - if not, he will soon enough.]

So what would happen if I brought, say, one of those Japanese overgrown steak knives into the space area? Would it turn into some kinda laser sword, or would it just stay the same?

[malnosso]

It could. Hell of a thing to be concerned about, though.

[bionically]

Ethics? Wow. You guys are one to talk.

[malnosso]

Every society's got its ethics. Not our fault if your brand doesn't match up to ours.

[Voice]

[thewoodsmansoldier]

Points? What sort of rewards do these points bring if everything you need here comes free already?

[Voice]

[malnosso]

Free? Sure, if you like the simple things. You lot may be resourceful, but there's some things we can get you that you can't get for yourself.

[Voice]

[selphie_t]

One! What's a Mastodon?

Two! Are we open game for some serious exploring and do we get to keep what we find?

[malnosso]

It's a big hairy elephant. Kind of like my- [The message is cut off.

Five minutes later, he continues again.]

-- damn woman, telling me what I can say. Anyway- you still there? No. You don't keep a damn thing. None of it's real. Everything goes back to the way it is after the experiment is. Everything except your account full of points with the MARS program.

[musubi]

...So how does one go about obtaining a car, exactly?

[Yes, he heard the rest of it, but come on. The roads here aren't even all that great.]

[malnosso]

What do I look like, your Driver's Ed coach?

[Voice]

[voidseeing]

And yet if it weren't for our capability for violence, you wouldn't be able to use us to fight.

[malnosso]

Ironic, ain't it?

[touchofrogue]

[There is so much about this announcement that ticks her off, Rogue has to walk away for a moment. But then she finds she has a question, because since when did they get warnings for experiments, and since when was CJ involved with either of them and - fah, fine. She goes back to the book.]

I didn't know you were so tight with the scientists, Bright Eyes. Movin' up in the world?

[Since the last time she spoke with him before the Keep Mission and all.]

[malnosso]

Think of it as more of a mutually beneficial arrangement, kiddo.

[Filtered]

[generalflirt]

Saaay, CJ-san, how much might a cage which stops super-powers from working while you're in it cost? Or maybe some sort of anti-superpower poison?

[Filtered]

[malnosso]

Anti-superpower cage? Poisons? What the hell kind of comic books have you been reading? We do science here, dammit! We just don't make up things like that for the hell of it!